When Irony Slapped her....

Ndidi had absolutely no intention of trying this whole “sugar daddy” thing when Ngozi came up to her with a persuasive tone. “Oh come on, now, Ndidi, it’s fun! All he wants is for you to hang out with him, and he will give you plenty, plenty of things!”  Ndidi was unsure. Her own father was strict, and terribly harsh with her. But when Ngozi would tell her how wonderful her sugar daddy was – how he took care of her – showered her with gifts, bought her so much... some of which Ngozi shared with her, even... it was too much to take. And now, Ngozi wanted to introduce her to her sugar daddy’s friends!

“Come on Ndidi. For my sake!” pleaded Ngozi.

“Nope.”

“Okay. At least to see the guest house he meets me in, please?”

Ndidi gave in. That evening, she went with Ngozi to the guest house, thinking it would just be a visit to see the place. But Ndidi was wrong. Ngozi made Ndidi feel comfortable, settling around the space, when there came a knock on the door. The sugar daddy and his friend were home.

Ndidi got the shock of her life.

The “friend” was her own father!

Ndidi was furious. But she decided to play the game. She introduced herself to her father, saying, “I’m Ndidi. Pleased to meet you!”

Her father stuttered in response.

Ndidi asked him, “I want a big bottle of Guinness Stout!”

Her father asked her, “Aren’t you too young to drink?”

Ndidi stared back, her eyes blazing. “I didn’t even want to meet this friend, and Ngozi brings me here to see the guest house. But what do I see? YOU!” she spat. She turned to Ngozi. “Give me the Guinness Stout I wanted. Ask your Sugar daddy for it!”

Her father was shocked, ashamed and dreadfully numbed to say anything. Ndidi drank herself silly, and lit up a cigarette before him. She was too angry, and ran out on them. She went around for hours, wondering what she should do. She returned home past her curfew, but never told her mother, lest it hurt her. But that day, she lost all respect for her father. She blackmailed him for years until she left home, threatening to tell her mother the truth if he tried to be unreasonably strict with her.

A true story, as told to Elsie Ijorogu-Reed and Kirthi Jayakumar

Bayo's Story

He arrived in the United Kingdom in the summer of 2003. Funnily enough, it was the hottest summer recorded in a long time.

He had with him, just 200 pounds and a dream.

All set to stay at his Aunt’s place, he smelt trouble the moment he set foot inside the house. He wasn’t welcome – as simple as that. Time showed him the door, comfort and welcoming attitudes were conspicuous by their absence. He slept on the floor. He wasn’t allowed into certain rooms. He was not given the chance to enjoy the care of a family – it wasn’t even given to him.

200 pounds took him only so far. But in two days, he landed a job in Mc Donalds. Weeks passed by with him flipping burgers. One day, luck dawned on him. He took a chance and skipped work, running to a job fair where he got a job with O2 telecoms as a retail assistant. They paid little, but more than the folks at Mc Donalds for his nifty ways of flipping burgers. But the store manager hated his guts.

He retailed and retailed, and retailed, and retailed some more. Education knocked on his doors, this time, asking for some space in his life. He enrolled in University for a multimedia course. And the store manager hated him even more.

At home, he was under the iron-fist of hatred and control. An 8:00 pm curfew was imposed. But because he was so far back in his studies, he had to stay in the library till late. When he came home, he would be locked out. Once, twice, several times. And then he got smart. He eventually devised a system where he would study until late and go to night clubs till the early hours of the morning. And from there, he would head to school or work. Sometimes, he spent the night in a telephone booth.

Luck still decided to send clouds his way. Upon graduation he didn’t get any work and was disillusioned. He quit the job at O2, and devoted his time to getting a job. To the wealthy relatives he had, he was a joke. Broke, hungry and on the verge of being kicked out, he surrendered to God and asked him to help out.

He moved out, slept in a friend’s house, on his sitting room floor. He took up a job at a call centre. He would cold call people to buy things they didn’t need. He had a degree in Architecture, but no one hired him. He tried, he tried, he tried and he tried some more.

One morning he got a call to attend an interview outside London, with a huge property developers design unit. By now he had attended so many interviews and gotten the 'we'll be in touch' response that he really didn’t want to go this time. But he did.

He picked up his heavy portfolio, and ran to catch his train. But the train was delayed. He went in late for his interview, but life was waiting for him, to happen. At the interview they talked design, multimedia and music! And the job, the job was his. In the middle, somewhere, he also moonlighted as a musician, recording a UK Top 3 track.

He climbed steps then, one, two, three, one by one by one by one. And slowly made his way to the top – the much coveted top rung. From Minimum wage and Sleeping on floors, he got his Masters and Salary hikes. A long arduous ride, he even got to go back to the McDonalds where he once worked to grab a bite and several workers were still there.

He looks back now. He respects them for making an honest living. But the darkest hours were there. It felt a million miles away now

As told to Elsie Ijorogu-Reed and Kirthi Jayakumar

A survivor speaks

To survive abuse, and then to draw strength from the difficult times is one step in the direction towards greatness. But to survive, to draw strength from the difficult times, and to use those experiences to help others in a similar situation is simply par excellence. Tara Laracuente is simply an anthropomorphic representation of that stellar institution of strength and courage. Tara blogs regularly here and tweets as @silence_no. Here’s a short interview that DeltaWomen had with Tara.

1. If it something you wish to talk about, could you tell us about your childhood?       

Growing up was pretty hard. I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. I was molested by my stepfather, an act which started from when I was 9 or so and lasted until I grew to the age of 14. I never spoke of it until last year. I spoke out for the first time only online. My mother never believed my sister when it happened to her so I never told her about the abuse from my stepfather.       

2. "Saying No"... is that enough, sometimes?        
Saying no, I believe isn’t enough sometimes, because you can say “No, no, no ... please stop!” but the abusers will keep going because they are in control. It helps to say it but at times it doesn't stop the abusers from doing it still.

Tara Laracuente

3. How do you believe that schools and parents can help prevent the sexual abuse of children?
I believe that schools should hold classes on sexual assault and how one can try to prevent it from happening, what to do when it happens to them and the like. Also for the parents I believe that they should believe their children no matter what. It is hard when a parent doesn't believe a child. It just shows that what happened isn't important and it is ok to happen. 

4. As a victim/survivor, to reach out to victims and survivors across the world, your work is simply amazing. We salute you for the courage you've shown in professing your story despite the pain and trauma. Do you believe that a victim/survivor could share his or her tale- even if anonymously, to heal?         
Thank you for your kind words. Yes I believe that to heal you should share you story with others even if it is anonymously done. If you are familiar with Mariska Hargitay - who is my inspiration, she plays the role of Detective Benson on Law and Order SVU. In one of the newest episodes she says these words to the victim “True healing comes to those who bear witness”. I think what that means is that if you speak out about what happened to you, you can heal and help others heal just by sharing your story. 

5. There is a lot of talk about how children should open up and tell their parents, but sometimes, children simply cannot bring themselves to express their pain - either because they are too young to understand what's happening, or because of fear and shyness. What do you believe is the best way to handle the issue?           
Well in my case, it was hard to tell my mother about what happened to me because of fear of her not believing me. I think the best way to deal with these issues as a child is maybe find a teacher you trust in and tell them what happened and explain that you don't understand what is happening to you. I think that is one way you can go about this. 

6. There are researched theories that suggest the likelihood for the development of a proclivity on part of child victims/survivors to turn into bullies or abusers themselves, in the event of being subject to CSA themselves. What are your thoughts on this?    
My thought on this theory is that I believe that if you were abused as a child and not sought out the proper help then you may become an abuser yourself. Because, as a child victim you thought it was okay to be that way. I was afraid that I would become an abuser because I know women can be abusers as well - but I thank God I am not one! 

7. Victims/Survivors go through the initial phases of denial anger and then plunge into self-abhorrence. Is there a means to intervene before this happens? What signs should one watch out for?         
Well I was in denial for over ten years before I came to terms with what happened to me. I began to cut because I was overwhelmed with the emotions. I think the signs would be just watch how they act around this topic. You can tell if someone was abused because this topic would make them uncomfortable.

8. Your story has made you a stronger person, says your blog. Could you tell us how you turned struggle into strength?

The way I turned my struggle into strength is by seeing so many people follow my blog and encouraged me to keep speaking out and telling me who much I inspired them. Some came out for the first time. I know that what I went through was hard but in the end, I survived and I can use my experience to help spread the word on abuse and how being silent can damage your body and spirit. Mariska Hargitay is another reason I was able to speak out. She is such an inspiration to so many and I thank her, my sister as well because she went through the same and is so strong as well. 

By Kirthi Gita Jayakumar