I wonder if every woman has felt that way.
Books and movies certainly make us feel like we are not alone in our loneliness but does that really make it any better. Society has labelled her as so many
things that It becomes fragmented to establish who she actually is. Is she the
girl dancing in the club in a mini skirt? Is she married with four children and
a husband that is constantly working without a confidant to console her in her
existence…or is she afraid to even think of herself as lonely? For me this is
the most feared one of all, the woman that denies her loneliness by constantly
having partners or pointless social accounts to fill up her calendar. At the
end of the day the lonely woman only exceeds in hurting herself to achieve a status
that she thinks society wants for her.
Am I talking from experience?…well of
course I am, I am not afraid to say I once was a lonely woman, more like a
lonely girl which sounds more innocent than necessary. I looked to fill the gap
of solitude with a partner that met the requirements for a teenage South
African middle class girl at the time which was; for him to have a car to make
me laugh and above all else to go against what my parents actually wanted. The
result was a Muslim man who was not even remotely like me. For the purpose of
this article I am certainly not going to give his name so let’s call him Bob.
Well you know Bob was great he made a girl laugh and cry at all the right
times, and was genuinely a good natured person. The problem was now that I was
in a relationship and I found that I was still missing something…something I
couldn’t put my finger on exactly. Well Bob tried to make me stay with gifts
and kind words but for some reason unknown to me at the time all I can remember
wanting was to be alone. It’s all I thought about when we were together and
eventually I made it a reality after some hesitation.
It’s almost four years later and I can say
with a brief shadow of pride that that was around the time that I probably
reached for my lonely woman. Ah you think it is despondent term but let me tell
you, the lonely woman is only the first phase. You see you need to be a lonely
woman to find the contented woman. The lonely woman has to cultivate her
emotions like a sensitive bonsai because at the beginning it is difficult for
her to even glimpse at a couple, baby, or promotion that has been taken out of
her grasp. She only gradually learns to stabilize her emotions and realises
that it is not those around her that facilitate her happiness but her own self
as it were that is the light of this sacred thing. She becomes independently
happy something I never learnt in 12 years of schooling nor three years of
tertiary studies. Something I never learnt from my parents, or any other family
member, or a book or movie…but maybe it was a combination of everything when I
think back on watching how life can turn out for those that are not emotionally
independent. We always speak about financial independence, a great thing for
women in our era to experience but we never speak of emotional independence.
Something that can bind us to our keepers for too long if we do not take back
our independence.
It’s really not Bob’s fault you know nor
was he the catapult to start this chain of events, I just wished someone could
have told me earlier that I need to be emotionally independent before running
head first into a relationship. It’s easy to say this is the way you need to be
and just do it but I’m not advertising a pair of sneakers so all I can say is
how I found my lonely women. I found her when I took a walk down the road from
my college and ate my lunch in the park, I found her when I became engrossed in
a future that would entail solitude. Gracefully through time the contented
women is now who I see in the mirror and she doesn’t feel the despair of the
lonely woman…
It is a journey for every woman one that
can be treacherous for most I don’t doubt but one that undeniably needs to be
taken in certain circumstances. It would be untrue to say that at times a
glimmer of the lonely woman does not glisten through a look in my eye but I
find solace in her sporadic appearances because it makes me remember how once I
was only her…the lonely woman and because I embraced her and evolved by
accepting my lonely woman I am the better for it now. I Hope this helps, my
writing tends to turn out more eccentric at times than I would like but these
words seem to force themselves on to the page either way and my goal has and
always will be to create that spark that ignites hope in a person’s life.
Regards
The rarely lonely often content woman
By Kameshini Pillay
No comments:
Post a Comment